A Not-So Respectful Reel Review #3: ThanksKilling (2009)

MOVIE TITLE:

ThanksKilling

IMDB YEAR RELEASED:

2009

GENRE:

Comedy / Schlock / Horror

STARRING:

Wanda Lust, Chuck Lamb, Ryan Francis, Aaron Carlson, General Bastard, Lance Predmore, Natasha Cordova, Lindsey Anderson

DIRECTED BY:

Jordan Downey

SUMMARY:

An evil spirit possesses Turkie during the Thanksgiving holiday to terrorize five college students home for the break.

TAGLINE:

Gobble, gobble motherf@#%er!

PLOT:

The movie begins with a topless female pilgrim running, and bouncing through a forest, where she is chased by a turkey (Turkie is its name). Turkie throws a tomahawk and we have our first kill. Say goodbye to Wanda Lust. Turkie then quips ala Freddie Krueger, “Nice ti+s, bi+c#!”

In the present, five college students (fitting the major slasher tropes) exit their school and head home for the holidays. You have the goody goody Kristen, Johnny the jock, Billy the pudgy redneck, his buddy Darren the geek, and of course the slutty, dumb girl, Ali, who is hot for Johnny. Johnny, of course, is interested in deflowering Kristen. (These catchall labels are just made in the interest of expediting a trope. There is no author bias intended in the labeling of these characters. Apologies to those I may offend.)

When the students are forced to camp out as a consequence of a car overheating, Darren relates a satellite story McGuffin that supposedly explains the existence of Turkie the Killer Turkey over a scary campfire. A Native American shaman named Feathercloud was dishonored by one of Billy’s pilgrim ancestors and so he used necromancy to infuse an angry spirit into a turkey that would resurrect in five hundred and five years and destroy Caucasians.

I am going to stop here. I just can not take this movie seriously. This is the type of movie that you watch when you have a group of friends over. You are bored, and you have been smoking too much or drinking too much or really have a silly, witty friend that is going to poke fun at this movie at every step. I watched this movie because I was told that this movie was something else. It has sequels and a TV series.

REVIEW:

I really struggled to find some redeeming value in this movie which in my mind is nothing but a flaming turd, set in a dumpster fire, wrapped in a charnel house filled with cow dung flavored with bat guano. I am not certain if in my middle age I have become an old fuddy duddy, but this has to be the worst movie I have ever seen.

I was feeling festive and wanted to watch a holiday movie that was new to me. I rue the waste of time. Even though this movie was an hour and ten minutes, it dragged and seemed interminable.

The killer, Turkie, is a sock puppet. In one scene, Turkie has sex with the “hot” girl, who does not know it is him because she is not facing him. It is meant to be exploitative, but even in that this movie fails. The only thing worth watching in this movie is the first few seconds of the movie when Wanda Lust is running and this is really me just scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I recognize that this movie is not meant to be taken seriously, but it is NOT funny. My brother, Marc, was a very funny guy, and I have no doubt that he would give it the good old college try to make this movie palatable in some way. I really can not see how he would succeed. This movie is terrible. It is not even so bad, it is good. Do not watch it. This is one of those movies that despite having a sequel AND a TV show, I would never watch again.

The writing is childishly pedantic. The acting is amateurish. The creature effects (what creature effects?) are handheld puppetry. The movie was made in 11 days and it shows. If you know me, you understand that I do not delight in giving a bad review, and this is the worst I have given on the blog, but it is well-deserved. My rating therefore is a big fat zero. In our Grey Geek scale, 5 is near perfect and 1 is you made a movie and it was watchable. I never thought I would rate a movie this low, but they made a movie, and they should not have.

Zero! ‘Nuff said. No Grey Geeks for you!

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